"CNN Exclusive: Lawyer says suspects upset"

I originally was going to post a blog about how stupid the title of this headline was (of course without even reading the body), but then I found States auction airport contraband.

It seems like a pretty typical story, except for: Most of the contraband merchandise is knives, nail clippers and cuticle scissors that were forbidden as carry-on items following the terror attacks of September 11, 2001. But there's also Wiffle Ball bats...and a couple of chain saws.

How does someone try and explain that he didn't know he couldn't bring a chainsaw in his carry-on? And how does the security guy try and explain the dangers of having a Wiffle Ball bat on a plane?

The 3 R's

Since I am back in the 1st world I decided to update my Ipod and throw on some new music. The 3 R's by Jack Johnson is one of the catchiest songs I've heard in awhile, and it's funny. Jack Johnson is pretty popular, but he is 10x as popular in Hawaii (he is from there). So when I was there he was played a lot and I became a fan. So hearing this guy singing "reduce reuse recycle" is just great, and it will be stuck in your head for a day. Anyway, it's from the soundtrack for Curious George. I asked my aunt Sue if she had seen the movie and our conversation went something like this:

S: No I haven't, but I wanted to. I think he has fetal alcohol syndrome. He is very impulsive and never thinks of the consequences, so he's always getting into trouble...also, he is a little hyperactive. Did you read the books when you were a kid?

Me: Yeah, when I was really little.

S: I used to read them to the kids. He was always getting into trouble and then his dad would always come get him out of it and he never faced any consequences for his actions. That's why I stopped.

Me: Oh.

S: You know who else has fetal alcohol syndrome? That fish from that movie, not the Little Mermaid. Miriam, what's that fishes name?

Miriam: From A Shark's Tale? Finding Nemo?

S: Yes Finding Nemo, the blue fish

Miriam: Dora

S: Totally fetal alcohol. Never thinking about anything, very impulsive.

THE END

In other Ipod news, I put on the James Blunt CD. I haven't listened to it and I am going to predict suckiness. But it has sentimental value because when I was in Guatemala the neighbor girl would play that "you're beautiful" (?) song every night three times in a row and she would sing with it really loud right before she went to bed. It was awesome. Until I saw the video I always thought the singer was a woman.

This is Mark, reporting live from my chair

I should probably just stop reading it. These are the headlines as of...well whenever this blog was published (note the image experts, haha):

Mel Gibson formally charged with DUI | Video
TIME.com: Image experts offer Gibson advice
Sister says Castro getting better | TIME.com
Tourists evacuate from Chris' path | Path
Kids collect the bombs meant to kill them
Accused Marine sues war foe Murtha
Sports world burned by heat wave | Video
Heat kills pregnant mom at baseball game
Copter pilot allegedly lands in road for Tommy Lee
Tiny drug dog sniffs out big career
'Survivor' continues tour of U.S. prisons
Elvis' teddy destroyed by angry guard dog

Tangent.

Against my best interest I decided I had to read that last story, hence the link (although the title says it all). The dog was described as having gone beserk. This is stupid. For those of you who may be appalled by the outrageous and destructive actions of Barney, let me explain something. Dogs need to be taken care of. This means they need exercise. Sometimes when a dog (especially a Doberman) sits inside all day and does nothing, its energy becomes too much for it to contain and it must go berserk (kind of like me). My dog does this sometimes. It sprints back and forth through the house slipping and sliding, jumping over chairs. So if your dog is going berserk, it means you need to take it for a jog.

I guess Barney destroyed this collection worth about $900,000. That is also just stupid. Either the bears are old pieces of junk that nobody wants to play with anymore meaning they are worth whatever they could be sold for as pillows....or they have infinite worth due to their cuddliness (kind of like me).

Tangent.

I start school in 3 weeks. I have no job and nothing to do. I am going to try my best to occupy my time in some sort of constructive manner. So if you have any ideas let me know. Hippies are by definition lazy, I am not a hippy, therefore I should not be lazy....ok, that doesn't really work, but I still hate hippies, in a loving sort of way.

TCF

I've slowly been trying to straighten out my bank account with TCF. I've been working at it for about 10 days now. The problem was finally located. Apparently, because I previously had a checking account with TCF my SS# was still in the system and screwing everything up. Of course they could have just left my account open, not stolen my $4 and we both would have saved a lot of time. I have been trying to set up my online banking this whole time. About 10 phone calls and 2 hours on hold in total. The most annoying thing is that every time they put me on hold they repeat this commercial over and over again about how online banking is fast, easy and convenient. I am on hold right now.

Now they said everything is ok. They've said this before.

Crisis followup

Well, I just finished my last blog about 30 seconds ago. Read that one before you read this one...because this is chapter 2.

So I wrote my last blog about crisis experts. I published it, and then I clicked on my counter. Sure enough, 30 seconds earlier I had a visitor, we will just call him IP host3.fema.gov.

I'll be honest, this kind of scared me. I didn't really mean to rip on FEMA, I was actually ripping on CNN for their stupid news stories that aren't really news. The fear only lasted a second before it turned into amazement. Wow, FEMA really is fast, what are all these people talking about. Then, after a little investigating my amazement turned into disappointment. Mr. FEMA had actually visited my site while browsing through the blogs with the "next blog" button at the top right of your screen. How ironic though eh? eh?

CNN and Mel Gibson

I don't care enough to read the entertainment news, but because my eyes can't help but avoid processing the small bits of text that we refer to as "headlines," I am forced to know what's going on in US pop culture.

"Crisis experts: Gibson facing uphill climb"

I now know what is wrong with America. It's not that we are obsessed with celebrities and scandals. It has nothing really to do with Mel Gibson. It is that our crisis experts are covering the Mel Gibson story.

Well I was just going to write a list of better uses for our crisis experts, but after a little thought, I don't think there are any. Also, I hereby declare myself a crisis expert. This is not to be confused with someone who will directly offer assistance in an emergency, however, I will explain to those that are interested exactly what you were thinking when this happened and what you could have done to avoid it. I will also give, in detail, the steps that you need to end this crisis and avoid it in the future.