The 95 Camry

Over the first 5 tanks of gas, my little beast averaged 30.5mpg. Not bad. I see a lot of new cars that apparently average 29. I credit my lack of a best friend, children and girlfriend for producing such efficient fuel consumption. For those of you who want to increase your fuel efficiency, I recommend lightening the load a little. I don't mean get a divorce or give your kids up for adoption, I just mean leave them at home.

Sorry

I have this counter thing on my blog. It records how many people come to my site. You probably knew that. If someone stumbles on my blog via google or something, it also records the search words. This is the part I like....or at least it can be interesting. My counterpage thingy only saves everything for like a month, and then it deletes them all which is annoying. So for the random people from Google, here are a few search tips:

Use these things ""
It appears that most of the people who drift upon my site do so while searching for adult entertainment. Imagine their disappointment. This is a result of them typing in something like "japanese toes" or "all about ass" only without the quotation marks. To be honest, I don't recall ever typing the word ass in my blog until 5 seconds ago. I probably misspelled bass or mass...which brings me to the next part.

The other randoms are usually people who search for something and then spell it wrong. This is the second most popular set of visitors. Ok, I can't spell. Sorry. But that's no excuse for your spelling.

So for those of you that might happen to stumble on this blog by accident: I'm sorry this is not a porn site and/or that you can't spell. But this doesn't mean we can't be friends. My name is Mark and I currently have no best friend or passion in life. But I am conveniently located just off of 694 and 35W.

Also, I've been having trouble coming up with a halloween costume. I found one today and then I put it back and decided on a much cooler one. I would have been mildly offended by it 5 years ago but now I think it's funny and I can wear it all week

Important things in life

I've learned two things about myself in the past couple weeks.

1. I don't seem to be passionate about anything.
2. I don't have a best friend.

I don't think either of these are good things.

A funny story for Chris

In Japan there was this group of 5 boys. They were wild, out of control...or depending on how you look at it, they were just normal 10 year old boys whose parents tried to get rid of their energy by dropping them off for English lessons. They had two teachers before me, but these teachers were unable to get a grip on the class so they were turned over to the teacher of all teachers aka me.

Too lazy and unconcerned to try and make them learn English I let them just run around and do whatever they wanted. However, I did regulate their chaos. For those of you who don't know what K1 is, it is the Japanese kickboxing org. The goal of these young men appeared to be to emulate their heroes of K1. My job was pretty simple in theory, but with the language aspect it got a little harder. No strikes to the groin and no tag-teaming were really my only rules. After they got this down (which I guess they never really did) my only job was to stand in the middle before they started and signal them to begin by dropping my hand and yelling "FIGHT!"

Headshot, bodyshot, combo, nice shot and fight were the only words they learned. But I like to think they learned so much more. Discipline, respect, honor. These are all very valuable in Japanese culture. They also learned to never give up. This was evident in the fact that the larger kid, Kazuki, won every time. But the challengers kept coming.

I would have owned them, even all at once. They all knew that.

Goth kids are cute

Century College has a lot of goth kids. I'm not sure if they were just invisible on the U campus or if they were just overshadowed by all the hippy posers. Maybe something in their goth mentality keeps them out of the big universities. These kids may be goth posers but I am not sure as I don't know them and I don't know the true def. of a goth kid. But they look like what I assume are goth kids. I am used to seeing goth kids sit alone in their self-imposed alienated state. Never talking to anyone, never smiling, and never seeming to care about anything except writing on their black clothes with black pens.

They congregate in one of the student lounge-type areas and no one else seems to want to venture in there. They don't seem to have the whole Columbine mentality that one would assume (or that dude in Canada that went crazy). It's interesting to see them interact together since usually you don't ever see them interact with anyone at all. There is always one group playing Magic (the card game), the otherday I saw them playin with plastic light sabers. They seem to have fun talkin really loud and tryin to stand out in the crowd...kinda like normal kids but just gothier. As I was standing on the floor above them looking down I couldn't help but smile. Just seeing how these guys interact with one another as opposed to with "normal" people just brought a smile to my face. The only way I could think of describing them at that moment was "cute."

Still, just as they probably have no idea why anyone would want to wear jeans and a t-shirt, I have no idea why anyone would want to look like a depressed vampire...and then go to college.

Water Fountains

I imagine somewhere every institution keeps a record of how many water fountains they have in their building. I'm sure they feel great about themselves when they sit back and think "wow, we have a lot of water fountains, all spewing cold water to the masses." But how many of these really function? I remember the water fountain in the library at UMD gave me a huge shock whenever I touched the button, and if I somehow bypassed it I would receive it on my lips. Anyway, the inspiration from this blog comes from Century College with its pathetic excuses for "bubblers." They spit out water like a half inch. It's really depressing. And then of course you feel like a retard when you push the button, your head goes half way down with that "I'm about to quench my thirst" smile....then you bail out like a wussy. It's not that I'm a priss or anything, but there is no way my mouth is going to make it's little kissy face that close to a germ covered rusty ol' spigot. I mean this is America. I'm sure somewhere we have budgeted for some group whose job it is to go around and make sure all fountains are up to par. I think to feel comfortable drinking, I am going to need at least 2 inches. That's not asking a lot. What is the proper emo way to manipulate typing to show that we are frustrated? uhhhhhh *(frown)*

Judge Mark

While my grandpa was giving me the walking tour through the nursing home I became kind of depressed. It was just all of these old people sitting in beds watching court TV. That of course made me think of the purpose of my existence...as well as the purpose for all these old people. Maybe the purpose of my existence is to entertain old people at the hospital, but if that were the case, what would the purpose of all the old people be? Just an outlet for me to fulfill my purpose? I don't think so. I decided that whatever my purpose is, it must be something that I can work toward/fulfill throughout my entire life. If the last 2 years of my life consist of liquid meals and Judge Judy, someone please end them prematurely. That is why I am excited to be entering a career that I can continue until I die. While most people seem to use work as a means to retirement, I feel like I am looking forward to work as some sort of purpose. I don't think I will want to retire. I want to work. But is it that simple? I doubt it.

To lighten it up a bit, here are some funny things my grandpa said:

They need a pistol range in here (talkin about how boring the place is).

They never think of anyone except themselves, they don't seem to realize that someone is going to have to come clean up their mess (talking about people who commit suicide by throwing themselves in front of a train).

I think if I had to choose between having a prosthetic arm or leg, I'd chose a leg, but whoever really has a choice?

Finally

Well, after 2 minutes of guessing my password, I've finally got it. Except I don't know what I wanted to blog about anymore. Well, I can only imagine it was something really cool. Oh well.

Mark news:
He is breezin through 3 classes at Century College.
He is looking for something to do on Fridays because he quit school on that day.
He is the proud owner of a 95 Camry with 165k miles and a rattle in the back (kind of like a rattle snake but less cool and maybe more dangerous).
He is disturbed by the amount of $ he spends on food each week.
He is practicin BJJ on T and Th every week.
He is on a comp with a not so sensitive G key, he doesn't type things like "breezin" and "practicin" to be cool
He is gettin annoyed with his third person typing.
I am blogging about nothing at 915pm on a saturday, I'm so cool.
I think that's really all the Mark news, not that it would really matter if there is some news I am forgetting. I may play disc golf tmrw with some old Duluth friends. There.

"CNN Exclusive: Lawyer says suspects upset"

I originally was going to post a blog about how stupid the title of this headline was (of course without even reading the body), but then I found States auction airport contraband.

It seems like a pretty typical story, except for: Most of the contraband merchandise is knives, nail clippers and cuticle scissors that were forbidden as carry-on items following the terror attacks of September 11, 2001. But there's also Wiffle Ball bats...and a couple of chain saws.

How does someone try and explain that he didn't know he couldn't bring a chainsaw in his carry-on? And how does the security guy try and explain the dangers of having a Wiffle Ball bat on a plane?

The 3 R's

Since I am back in the 1st world I decided to update my Ipod and throw on some new music. The 3 R's by Jack Johnson is one of the catchiest songs I've heard in awhile, and it's funny. Jack Johnson is pretty popular, but he is 10x as popular in Hawaii (he is from there). So when I was there he was played a lot and I became a fan. So hearing this guy singing "reduce reuse recycle" is just great, and it will be stuck in your head for a day. Anyway, it's from the soundtrack for Curious George. I asked my aunt Sue if she had seen the movie and our conversation went something like this:

S: No I haven't, but I wanted to. I think he has fetal alcohol syndrome. He is very impulsive and never thinks of the consequences, so he's always getting into trouble...also, he is a little hyperactive. Did you read the books when you were a kid?

Me: Yeah, when I was really little.

S: I used to read them to the kids. He was always getting into trouble and then his dad would always come get him out of it and he never faced any consequences for his actions. That's why I stopped.

Me: Oh.

S: You know who else has fetal alcohol syndrome? That fish from that movie, not the Little Mermaid. Miriam, what's that fishes name?

Miriam: From A Shark's Tale? Finding Nemo?

S: Yes Finding Nemo, the blue fish

Miriam: Dora

S: Totally fetal alcohol. Never thinking about anything, very impulsive.

THE END

In other Ipod news, I put on the James Blunt CD. I haven't listened to it and I am going to predict suckiness. But it has sentimental value because when I was in Guatemala the neighbor girl would play that "you're beautiful" (?) song every night three times in a row and she would sing with it really loud right before she went to bed. It was awesome. Until I saw the video I always thought the singer was a woman.

This is Mark, reporting live from my chair

I should probably just stop reading it. These are the headlines as of...well whenever this blog was published (note the image experts, haha):

Mel Gibson formally charged with DUI | Video
TIME.com: Image experts offer Gibson advice
Sister says Castro getting better | TIME.com
Tourists evacuate from Chris' path | Path
Kids collect the bombs meant to kill them
Accused Marine sues war foe Murtha
Sports world burned by heat wave | Video
Heat kills pregnant mom at baseball game
Copter pilot allegedly lands in road for Tommy Lee
Tiny drug dog sniffs out big career
'Survivor' continues tour of U.S. prisons
Elvis' teddy destroyed by angry guard dog

Tangent.

Against my best interest I decided I had to read that last story, hence the link (although the title says it all). The dog was described as having gone beserk. This is stupid. For those of you who may be appalled by the outrageous and destructive actions of Barney, let me explain something. Dogs need to be taken care of. This means they need exercise. Sometimes when a dog (especially a Doberman) sits inside all day and does nothing, its energy becomes too much for it to contain and it must go berserk (kind of like me). My dog does this sometimes. It sprints back and forth through the house slipping and sliding, jumping over chairs. So if your dog is going berserk, it means you need to take it for a jog.

I guess Barney destroyed this collection worth about $900,000. That is also just stupid. Either the bears are old pieces of junk that nobody wants to play with anymore meaning they are worth whatever they could be sold for as pillows....or they have infinite worth due to their cuddliness (kind of like me).

Tangent.

I start school in 3 weeks. I have no job and nothing to do. I am going to try my best to occupy my time in some sort of constructive manner. So if you have any ideas let me know. Hippies are by definition lazy, I am not a hippy, therefore I should not be lazy....ok, that doesn't really work, but I still hate hippies, in a loving sort of way.

TCF

I've slowly been trying to straighten out my bank account with TCF. I've been working at it for about 10 days now. The problem was finally located. Apparently, because I previously had a checking account with TCF my SS# was still in the system and screwing everything up. Of course they could have just left my account open, not stolen my $4 and we both would have saved a lot of time. I have been trying to set up my online banking this whole time. About 10 phone calls and 2 hours on hold in total. The most annoying thing is that every time they put me on hold they repeat this commercial over and over again about how online banking is fast, easy and convenient. I am on hold right now.

Now they said everything is ok. They've said this before.

Crisis followup

Well, I just finished my last blog about 30 seconds ago. Read that one before you read this one...because this is chapter 2.

So I wrote my last blog about crisis experts. I published it, and then I clicked on my counter. Sure enough, 30 seconds earlier I had a visitor, we will just call him IP host3.fema.gov.

I'll be honest, this kind of scared me. I didn't really mean to rip on FEMA, I was actually ripping on CNN for their stupid news stories that aren't really news. The fear only lasted a second before it turned into amazement. Wow, FEMA really is fast, what are all these people talking about. Then, after a little investigating my amazement turned into disappointment. Mr. FEMA had actually visited my site while browsing through the blogs with the "next blog" button at the top right of your screen. How ironic though eh? eh?

CNN and Mel Gibson

I don't care enough to read the entertainment news, but because my eyes can't help but avoid processing the small bits of text that we refer to as "headlines," I am forced to know what's going on in US pop culture.

"Crisis experts: Gibson facing uphill climb"

I now know what is wrong with America. It's not that we are obsessed with celebrities and scandals. It has nothing really to do with Mel Gibson. It is that our crisis experts are covering the Mel Gibson story.

Well I was just going to write a list of better uses for our crisis experts, but after a little thought, I don't think there are any. Also, I hereby declare myself a crisis expert. This is not to be confused with someone who will directly offer assistance in an emergency, however, I will explain to those that are interested exactly what you were thinking when this happened and what you could have done to avoid it. I will also give, in detail, the steps that you need to end this crisis and avoid it in the future.

Alopecoid

My favorite spelling bee moment

n. fox-like

An interesting blog.

I'm not talking about mine. After stubbling upon this video I read his blog. Very long, very interesting. I couldn't ever read the whole thing but there were two interesting passages:

For my flight out, I sat next to an 83-year-old veteran from Eastern Washington who served in Tokyo at the end of WWII. He was assigned to guard the German embassy until its occupants could be shipped back to Germany. He'd come over from Europe where he served in the infantry, crossing through France into Dusseldorf and then sieging a small town near the border with Czechoslovakia.

His unit spent most of the war lost. Everyone was lost all the time, he said. The Germans removed all the signs and the maps were inaccurate, so they just wandered around hoping to stay alive. The town they attacked -- they completely missed where they were ordered to go. They only found it by accident, approaching from the rear at night, inadvertantly bypassing all the German defenses and taking the town without firing a shot.

and:
I had dinner tonight with two Sudanese priests. They’re here getting trained to deal with trauma victims in their country – which I am sure there is no shortage of. We had a fascinating conversation in which they explained the history of the Sudanese conflict. They had very thick accents and I could only understand about half of what they said, but it was a lot more than I knew before.

The thing that surprised me most was learning how pleased they are with the war in Iraq. It turns out the Iraqi government had been supporting the Arab leadership in Khartoum, providing weapons and money for their war against the Christians in the south. With Iraq crippled, the Sudanese government has lost their supplier and are suddenly scrambling. According to these priests, the current peace negotiations are the direct result of the Iraq war. Otherwise the Arabs wouldn’t even be at the table.


http://wherethehellismatt.typepad.com/blog/

A short rant about sports

OK, I don't watch ESPN because I don't have a TV. But I do like sports so I check their webpage.

Some of the stuff on ESPN, to me, is just not a sport.

Golf. It's a HS sport, college sport, and their are pros. But to me, it's just not a sport...it's a game, yes. Sport, no.

Horse racing, car racing...or any other sport that doesn't require legs. Of course you have to push the gas pedal and keep yourself on the horse. I guess horse racing would count as a sport for the horses. Racing with cars is something for 15 year olds to do for fun while they are drunk. 500 laps around the track on your legs or a bike, that's a sport.

The Spelling Bee. While I actually don't mind watching this for a bit, and one of my favorite video highlights comes from this, it's still not a sport.

The dog show. I'm not sure why, but this is on ESPN once a year, maybe more often, I'm not sure. While I have never seen an actual pageant (for people), I imagine that the dog show is similar...but for dogs. I would rather watch the people kind.

Bowling. Yes, it takes practice, there is pressure and money to be won...kind of like golf. But this is something for families to do with kids on their birthdays or for groups of men like Al Bundy with nothing else to do. It's a social thing.

Fishing and hunting. While I like participating in these, they're hobbies, pastimes, ways to get food, but not sports. Catching the animals with your barehands (assuming they could potentially kill you) and killing them, that would be a sport.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I am sure there are others that ESPN shows now and again. There should be some kind of criteria for something to be a sport. I think it must require endurance, athleticism, competition against another person. If there are teams it must require teamwork. If it's at the "pro" level and there is no disabled list then I wonder. Sports require athletic tape, sweat and stitches. Defense and offense...angry fans and rude chanting...trashtalk and carbo-loading. If the best "players" couldn't run a mile under ten minutes or do at least 30 pushups...then it's not a sport (I think all NFL offensive linemen as well as every women in a real sport would meet this criteria with ease.)

What's sad to me is that ESPN wouldn't have this kind of programming if it wasn't getting ratings. Really, who watches bowling or fishing on TV?

Stopping and starting all over

I'm back from Central America. I am in Minneapolis with nothing to do for the next month. Looking for a house and a cheap car. I start school at the end of August and I am looking forward to studying like mad. So to end my almost 2 years of being away, here are some final thoughts on each place.

7 months in Hawaii. Nice ocean, nice weather. Lots of things to do. Horrible traffic and everyone has little dogs that bark all the time because they don't take care of them.

1 year in Japan. Lots of money to be made at a miserable job. Everything is small and if you want to understand things you just have to think of what is logical and then plan for the opposite. People take care of their dogs better than most people in some countries take care of their children. The transportation system is excellent. People are almost too respectful and they could eliminate their police force and crime would probably not increase at all. Also everything is very expensive.

Central Am./Mex. Keep all valuables safe. Never put your "carry on bag" on the bus rack above your head. Overall people are really nice but poverty and constant nagging caused me to avoid lots of conversations. Lots of people missing limbs. Lots of starving dogs with no place to go. Firecrackers, roosters, cars with no exhaust pipe, horns honking...all starting at about 5am. Cheap delicious food but it doesn't like to solidify in your digestive system.

Minneapolis. Familiar. Requires a car to get places that are more than a few miles away. Inconvenient bus system. Taxes (if you work). Expensive tuition and well trained quiet dogs. The end of Mark's blog...unless my boredom for the next month causes me to rant about losers in Lebanon or Mixed Martial Arts.

Adios for now.
Marcos

Drama in Mexico and Jiu Jitsu 101

So as the title suggests, there was a little drama in Mexico two nights ago. Also, since I always write about BJJ and nobody knows (or cares)anything about it I will be introducing some possibly new terms.

It all started at about 4am. I was in a hostel sleeping, as I often am at this hour. I awake to the sound of 8 girls screaming their lungs out. My thought was the same as every other guy who has been in this situation..."girls, it´s early, please shutup." After about 10-15 seconds of screaming I put on my glasses and went over to the ladies dorm. They were crying and flapping around their hands like flightless birds. They explained to me that some Mexican dude had been under one of the beds. Upon being found he jumped out of the window...the same one he came in.

The window (second floor) had the glass panels removed and there was a ladder under it that he had placed there. I pulled the ladder up through the window and was shining a flashlight around all the bushes (outside of the window was basically a junkyard). I was assuming he was in the bushes so I was talking to him, pretending like I could see him.

The neighbors were all up due to girl screams and said that they found him but wanted one of the girls to identify him. I walked down with one of the girls and she confirmed it. The neighbor was holding a big stick from the junkyard and had him cornered. They called the police but for some reason (maybe because it´s Mexico) there was no answer. So the neighbor boy took off on his bike to go get the police. I sat down on the curb blocking the guy´s exit.

After a couple minutes Mr. Pervert decides he´s going to make a break for it. That´s when our hero, we´ll call him Mark (aka the World´s Most Dangerous White Belt) demonstrates his love for martial arts with a double leg take down.















From there I went into the Mount.

Realizing that he may get the beating of a lifetime, our 130 pound villian gave up.
I was giving him the option to turn over because for a long time I have been wanting to Rear Naked Choke someone out, but he had apparently had enough. At this point I felt sorry for him. Sooner than later, the police arrived (led by a boy on a bicycle), handcuffed him, and threw him in the back of their truck. The girls were still busy doing their little flightless bird dance and the guys were sleeping.

So to conclude, because this happened at 4 in the morning, he must have been sitting in there for a long time because nobody saw him enter. Thus, he must be desperate and retarded. He had a bunch of blood dripping from his face and he was too injured to outrun an old fat man with a stick. And as I mentioned earlier, he was about 130-140. But just so you know, if he hadn´t been injured while jumping out of a second story building into a junkyard, was a little bigger and sane I would have still OWNED him.

Also, girls should stop screaming at spiders, mice and little crap like that because if something screamworthy actually happens nobody will care. There were six guys in our room and only two of us even went out. While I held the guy down the other guy told him in crappy Spanish (with an Italian accent) that if he ran we were going to kill him. I was trying not to laugh. The pictures are not from last night but I do kind of look like the little kid in red. They are from internet searches so sorry if they are copywritten or something.

This morning I went cave diving.

PS. AFter I wrote this blog I had to go to the police station to testify. They told me that the guy was drunk...so probably not retarded then.

To do list

I have a very big to do list. And it´s full of very big things. Some of the bigger things are this, the order is yet to be determined and it is something I change my mind about every few hours.

I have to take chemistry, physics, psychology, human anatomy and physiology. I also have to go to tech school for two years and then work for one year. I can´t decide which I want to do first. The first one would mean I have to take out a loan (maybe the second one will require that anyway). It would also mean that I could get all those out of the way. The second option would allow me some income a year earlier. I don´t know what to do and I hate that.

Some other things off the top of my head...
a cellphone
a car and insurance
a place to live
loan applications
open a bank account

It´s kind of like I´m moving to a new city, except I´ve lived there almost my whole life. Do people drive mopeds in the winter? I know they did on Dumb and Dumber and everything seemed to work out for them, and they were even dumb.

I also need to buy a blender. I want a huge one.

Travel news. I spent the day travelling to cenotes with some dude I met at the hostel. He is the first guy I´ve met in about a week that didn´t seem to annoy me. I´m pretty sure I pulled him away from a few people that were annoying him. Es la vida.